Walking into divorce court feels overwhelming enough without worrying about saying the wrong thing. But here’s the reality: your words carry serious weight in that courtroom. One poorly chosen phrase can damage your credibility, hurt your custody chances, or cost you thousands in settlement negotiations.
You’re already dealing with the emotional stress of ending your marriage. The last thing you need is to accidentally sabotage your own case because you didn’t know what to avoid saying. Let’s walk through the specific statements and behaviors that can turn a judge against you.
Why Your Words Matter
California operates under no-fault divorce laws, meaning courts focus on practical matters like property division and child custody rather than assigning blame. However, judges still pay close attention to how you present yourself. Your communication style reflects your character, judgment, and ability to co-parent effectively.
Think of it this way: the judge doesn’t know you personally. They’re forming their entire impression of you based on a few hours of interaction. Every word you speak either builds their confidence in your reliability or raises red flags about your temperament.
1. Hostile or Inflammatory Language
What it sounds like: “You never let me see the kids,” or “They’re a terrible parent,” or “She’s completely crazy.”
These sweeping statements immediately put you in a negative light. Judges see hundreds of divorce cases, and they know the difference between someone who’s genuinely wronged and someone who’s being vindictive.
Absolute language like “never” and “always” rarely holds up under scrutiny. If opposing counsel can prove even one instance where your claim isn’t true, your credibility takes a major hit. Personal attacks make you appear petty and focused on revenge rather than resolution.
Instead, stick to specific incidents with dates and witnesses when possible. Focus on behaviors that actually impact the children or violate court orders.
2. Lies, Exaggerations, and False Claims
What it sounds like: Overstating abuse, inflating your income contributions, or claiming your spouse “stole” marital assets they had every right to access.
Dishonesty in family court isn’t just ethically wrong – it’s strategically disastrous. Judges deal with conflicting stories daily, and they’ve developed a keen sense for detecting inconsistencies.
When you’re caught in a lie or exaggeration, you lose all credibility. The judge starts questioning everything else you’ve said, even the truthful parts. This is particularly damaging in custody disputes where your character directly impacts decisions about your children’s welfare.
Courts have access to financial records, employment history, and other documentation that can easily contradict false statements. The temporary satisfaction of making yourself look better isn’t worth the permanent damage to your case.
3. Contradicting Your Own Legal Filings
What it sounds like: Saying something in court that conflicts with your divorce petition, financial disclosures, or previous sworn statements.
This creates immediate credibility problems. Your legal filings are sworn documents, meaning you’ve testified under oath that the information is accurate. When you contradict these statements in court, you’re essentially admitting to perjury.
Judges take consistency seriously because it reflects your reliability as a witness. If you can’t keep your own story straight, how can they trust your version of events involving your spouse?
Before any court appearance, review all your filed documents with your attorney. Make sure you understand what you’ve already stated on the record and can explain any legitimate changes in circumstances.
4. Self-Damaging Statements
What it sounds like: “It was all my fault,” or excessive apologizing for everything that went wrong in the marriage.
While taking responsibility can be admirable in personal relationships, it can backfire in legal proceedings. Statements like these can be used against you during custody evaluations or financial settlements.
For example, if you’re seeking spousal support but tell the court the divorce is entirely your fault, opposing counsel might argue you don’t deserve financial assistance. In custody matters, excessive self-blame can raise questions about your emotional stability.
There’s a difference between acknowledging mistakes and accepting total responsibility for complex marital problems. Most relationship issues involve both parties, and courts understand this reality.
5. Irrelevant Personal Information
What it sounds like: Discussing your ex’s dating life, social media posts, or personal habits that don’t relate to custody or finances.
Judges aren’t interested in hearing about your spouse’s new relationship unless it directly affects the children or marital assets. If your spouse used marital funds to support a new partner or is hiding assets through that relationship, present documented evidence like bank statements rather than emotional complaints.
This type of information distracts from legitimate legal issues and wastes valuable court time. Judges have full dockets and appreciate parties who stay focused on matters that actually require judicial decisions.
If you believe certain behaviors genuinely impact your children’s safety or your marital finances, present specific evidence and connect it directly to those issues. Otherwise, keep personal opinions to yourself.
6. Threats and Manipulative Statements
What it sounds like: “I’ll quit my job before I pay that much support,” or “If you don’t give me what I want, you’ll never see the kids.”
These statements reveal a concerning mindset that prioritizes control over family well-being. Courts are particularly sensitive to any hint that parents might use children as bargaining chips or deliberately harm their financial situation to avoid support obligations.
Threatening to quit your job signals that you’re willing to damage your family’s financial stability out of spite, whether that involves child support or spousal support. This reflects poorly on your judgment and suggests you might make other decisions based on anger rather than what’s best for everyone involved.
Custody threats are especially damaging because they suggest you view your children as possessions rather than individuals with their own needs and relationships.
Related: If I Quit My Job, Do I Still Have to Pay Alimony?
7. Disrespectful Courtroom Behavior and Protocol Violations
What it sounds like: Interrupting testimony, rolling your eyes, making sarcastic comments, addressing the judge improperly, speaking when not asked, or talking directly to your ex-spouse during proceedings.
Proper courtroom etiquette is essential for making a good impression. Judges expect participants to show respect for the court and legal process. Disruptive behavior can result in contempt of court charges, which carry fines and potential jail time.
Basic courtroom rules include standing when the judge enters, addressing them as “Your Honor,” speaking only when given permission, and directing all communication through the judge or attorneys rather than speaking directly to your ex-spouse.
These protocols aren’t arbitrary – they maintain order and demonstrate your respect for the legal system. If you can’t manage basic courtroom etiquette, judges may question your ability to follow other court orders. Your body language, facial expressions, and overall demeanor all communicate your character to the judge.
8. Questioning Court Fairness or Making Legal Assumptions
What it sounds like: “Courts always favor mothers,” or “The judge will obviously see I’m right,” or “I read online that I should get full custody.”
These statements suggest you’re already preparing to discredit any unfavorable outcome. Judges don’t appreciate having their impartiality questioned, especially based on general assumptions rather than specific concerns about your case.
Online legal advice and general statistics don’t apply to your unique situation. Courts make decisions based on evidence presented in your specific case, not internet forums or generalized legal principles.
Expressing confidence in a favorable outcome can backfire if the ruling doesn’t go your way. It makes you appear overconfident and disconnected from the complexities of your situation.
9. Evasive or Defensive Responses
What it sounds like: Overusing “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” when asked about basic information, or constantly explaining “I only did that because…”
While you shouldn’t speculate about things you genuinely don’t know, claiming ignorance about basic aspects of your marriage and finances appears dishonest or irresponsible.
Over-explaining your actions with defensive justifications makes you sound unstable and unable to take responsibility for your choices. Courts prefer straightforward answers that acknowledge facts without excessive emotional context.
Preparation is key here. Review your financial records, parenting schedules, and other relevant information before court so you can answer basic questions confidently and accurately.
10. Unsupported Self-Appraisals
What it sounds like: “I’m clearly the better parent,” or “Anyone can see I deserve more custody,” or making confident claims without supporting evidence.
Courts base custody decisions on evidence, not personal opinions about parenting abilities. Claiming superiority without documentation makes you appear arrogant and out of touch with legal realities.
Professional evaluations, school records, medical documentation, and witness testimony carry weight in custody proceedings. Your personal assessment of your parenting skills doesn’t constitute legal evidence.
Instead of making broad claims about your abilities, present specific examples of your involvement in your children’s lives, including school events, medical appointments, and daily care responsibilities.
11. Rambling and Repetitive Communication
What it sounds like: Going off-topic, repeating the same grievances multiple times, or turning legal questions into emotional storytelling sessions.
Judges manage busy court schedules and appreciate concise, relevant responses. Rambling wastes valuable time and dilutes your strongest arguments by burying them in unnecessary details.
Emotional storytelling might feel cathartic, but it’s not what courts need to make legal decisions. Focus on facts that directly relate to the issues the judge must resolve.
Repetition weakens your credibility by making you appear obsessive or unable to move past certain grievances. State your points clearly once, then trust your attorney to reinforce important themes appropriately.
12. Referencing Private Recordings Without Legal Basis
What it sounds like: “I have a recording of them saying…” or “I recorded our phone conversation where they admitted…” or trying to play audio recordings without a proper foundation.
Many people think secretly recording their spouse will help their case, but California requires consent from all parties for most recordings. Using illegally obtained recordings can hurt your case and potentially expose you to criminal liability.
Even if you have legal recordings, you can’t just mention them casually in court. Courts need to verify who made the recording, when it was made, and that it hasn’t been edited before they’ll consider it as evidence. Simply saying “I have a recording” without following legal procedures makes you look unprepared.
Courts are particularly wary of edited or partial recordings that might be taken out of context. If you have legitimate recordings obtained legally, work with your attorney to present them properly through the correct legal channels.
(Note: In cases involving domestic violence or abuse, different standards may apply—speak to your attorney.)
What You Should Say Instead
Keep your responses factual, brief, and relevant. When asked questions, provide specific information without emotional commentary. If you don’t know something, say so honestly, but offer to provide the information later if possible.
Address the court respectfully and follow your attorney’s guidance about when and how to speak. Focus on resolving the matters at hand fairly, rather than personal grievances against your spouse.
Remember that everything you say is being recorded and can be referenced in future proceedings. Think of each statement as potentially appearing in legal documents for years to come.
Related: 30 Essential Tips to Prepare for Child Custody Court
The Smart Strategy: Preparation and Professional Guidance
The smartest thing you can say in divorce court is often nothing at all. Let your attorney handle the legal strategy. Your role is to stay composed and respond only with factual, direct answers when asked. Anything beyond that can invite unnecessary scrutiny or weaken your position.
At Provinziano & Associates, we’ve represented clients in some of the most high-stakes, high-asset divorces across California. We understand what judges respond to—and what they don’t. Our deep knowledge of California family law allows us to guide you through every step, ensuring you’re always prepared, focused, and protected.
Whether you’re concerned about custody, support, asset division, or maintaining your professional reputation, our team has the strategic insight and courtroom experience to advocate for you.
Schedule your free case evaluation today at 310-820-3500 and ensure your voice is heard effectively when it matters.
Frequently Asked Questions About What Not to Say in Divorce Court
What words should you avoid in court?
Avoid absolute language like “never” and “always,” personal attacks, profanity, and emotional outbursts. Stick to factual statements and respectful communication. Don’t speculate, guess, or make claims you can’t support with evidence.
What should you never say to a judge?
Never question the judge’s fairness, interrupt them when they’re speaking, or address them disrespectfully. Don’t make threats, lie under oath, or discuss privileged communications.
Disclaimer: This blog is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice or create an attorney-client relationship. Every family law case is unique, and outcomes depend on individual circumstances. Legal representation with Provinziano & Associates is established only through a signed agreement.
For personalized advice, please contact our team at 310-820-3500 to schedule a case evaluation.
