As Bina de Boer, a trauma coach and the founder and owner of Bina Coaching, observes:
As we grow up, we learn that holidays like Christmas, New Year’s, and birthdays are moments of joy and connection. These are occasions when families come together to celebrate life and honor their bonds. But what if your family is in transition? What if a divorce is imminent or has already taken place? What if loss has taken a permanent seat at the table? Are these days still as festive? Is there still enough to celebrate?
For families dealing with separation—such as step, foster, or adoptive families—we often see that not everyone is able to find the light during these times. The holidays frequently act as a magnifying glass for the emotions that are already present. If these days are perceived as joyful, those feelings may be amplified in the behavior of family members. But when the holidays instead highlight the loss and longing for what once was, we often see the opposite: behavior reflecting the heaviness of those emotions.
For families in transition or with a background of separation, these days can often be the final drop that causes the bucket to overflow.
Even families that seem “perfect” often face challenges during the holidays. Divorce filings spike by 20-30% in January, often after unresolved conflicts or holiday stress reach a breaking point.
Understanding Holiday Stressors
Holidays create stressors that turn small issues into major tensions. Understanding these factors helps families address conflicts effectively.
The Emotional Perfect Storm
The holidays often create a perfect storm of emotions, where nostalgia collides with current realities, leading to stress and conflict. Understanding these dynamics can help all families address the emotional impact of the season.
1. Holiday Memories and Nostalgia Colliding with New Realities
For many, the holidays bring back cherished memories of the past. But when current circumstances don’t match those memories, it can lead to feelings of grief or disappointment.
Whether it’s the absence of a loved one, a changed family structure, or simply the passage of time, these contrasts can turn a season of joy into one of longing.
2. Extended Family Pressures and Expectations
Gatherings with extended family can bring their own challenges. Relatives may have conflicting expectations or impose opinions about how holidays should be celebrated, adding to the stress of hosting or participating in these events.
Old family conflicts can also resurface in the heightened emotional environment.
3. Social Media’s Role in Amplifying Holiday Stress
Seeing curated images of “perfect” celebrations on social media can deepen feelings of inadequacy or dissatisfaction.
This comparison can affect families of all types, making it harder to focus on their own unique joys and accomplishments.
4. The “New Year, New Start” Mindset
As the year ends, many people reflect on their relationships and consider making significant life changes. The realization of unmet needs or unresolved issues often surfaces during the emotionally charged holiday period, leading to decisions about separation or divorce.
This reflective mindset contributes to the surge in divorce filings seen every January, often called “Divorce Month.”
Common Holiday Trigger Points
The holiday season brings unique stressors, that can significantly impact all families. These triggers often amplify existing tensions, making it important to understand and address them proactively.
1. Scheduling Conflicts
Coordinating where the family spends the holidays can be a contentious issue. For separated families, deciding where children will spend their time often leads to disagreements. Miscommunications or last-minute changes can escalate tensions.
Even for intact families, managing busy schedules, balancing multiple commitments, and meeting everyone’s expectations can lead to frustration.
2. Evolving Traditions and Changing Dynamics
The holidays are often defined by cherished traditions that bring families together. However, as families grow or circumstances change, these rituals may need to evolve. For some, this adaptation can feel like a loss, creating sadness or instability.
3. Financial Challenges During the Holidays
Holiday expenses can strain budgets. Disputes over spending priorities often lead to resentment.
Competitive gift-giving or the pressure to meet unrealistic expectations can further exacerbate financial stress.
Arguments about who pays for what—whether gifts, trips, or holiday meals—can heighten existing tensions. When financial agreements also feel unclear or one-sided, resentment can spill over into broader conflicts, disrupting the holiday spirit.
4. Domestic Violence Risks
Heightened stress during the holidays can escalate conflicts into dangerous situations. Increased alcohol consumption, financial pressures, and unresolved emotional wounds may create volatile dynamics. Recognizing the signs of domestic violence and seeking help is crucial.
5. Unrealistic Expectations
The pressure to create the “perfect holiday” can lead to disappointment and conflict. Families often set unattainable goals, and when reality falls short, it exacerbates underlying tensions.
How Holiday Conflicts Affect Children
Children are often the most vulnerable during holiday conflicts. Their emotional and psychological well-being can be deeply impacted by family stress, and they may feel caught between loyalty to both parents or overwhelmed by changes.
Families in transition often consist of a core family (the original family of blood relations) and one or more subsystems, such as adoptive, foster, or stepfamilies. What we often observe is an intense focus on the new system. During holidays and birthdays, the desire for the ideal new picture can dominate, leaving little room for children’s wishes and needs to maintain connections to the old system.
If there is no space at the table for the loss of the core family, it can lead to conflicts, unresolvable arguments, physical and psychological issues, and, in some cases, even suicidal thoughts or actions.
A child’s wish for the holidays or their birthday is often simple: to be able to grow up harmoniously with their identity intact, alongside both biological parents and siblings, and to just be a normal kid.
Signs of Holiday Stress in Children
- Behavioral changes like withdrawal, irritability, or acting out.
- Difficulty concentrating or performing in school.
- Increased anxiety or sadness around holiday discussions.
How Parents Can Minimize the Impact
Parents, for example, might explain why we sometimes become angry when the sadness feels too overwhelming to bear. Together, the family can discuss how to manage emotions, ensuring that everyone feels heard and seen.
They can also:
- Include Children in Planning: Let children express their wishes for the holidays to give them a sense of stability.
- Preserve Traditions: Retain rituals that bring comfort while introducing new ones to symbolize fresh beginnings.
- Reassure Stability: Openly communicate that they are loved and supported by both parents, regardless of the situation.
Practical Coping Strategies for Families
Managing holiday stress requires intentional planning and thoughtful approaches to communication. Here are some actionable strategies:
1. Communicate Early and Clearly
Discuss holiday expectations and plans well in advance.
One helpful approach is to have a conversation ahead of the holidays about what these days and birthdays meant to you in the past and how you experience them now.
2. Be Flexible and Open to Compromise
Avoid rigid expectations and focus on creating harmony. Compromise can go a long way in reducing conflicts and ensuring everyone feels included.
3. Practice Self-Care
Parents should prioritize their own emotional and physical well-being. When parents take care of themselves, they are better equipped to support their children.
4. Start New Traditions
Introduce small, meaningful rituals like baking together or volunteering as a family. New traditions can help create positive associations with the holidays.
Discuss which old traditions can be preserved and where there’s room to create new rituals. It’s also valuable to talk about the emotions that were present then and the feelings that need the most attention now.
Looking Forward: Finding Hope in New Traditions
While the holidays can amplify challenges, they also present opportunities for growth and connection.
By addressing emotional triggers, prioritizing children’s needs, and focusing on open communication, families can turn these difficult times into moments of renewal.
Co-authored by Bina de Boer founder and owner of Company Bina Coaching in The Netherlands.
About Bina
Bina is a Transcultural Systemic Adoption Coach, Facilitator, and Body-Oriented Trauma Therapist. She specializes in supporting individuals and families in processing adoption, grief, early childhood trauma, and the challenges of blended families.
Drawing from her personal experiences as a foster child, adopted child, and stepchild, born in India and raised in the Netherlands through adoption, Bina combines a holistic approach that includes Transcultural Systemic work and body-oriented trauma therapy (Somatic Experiencing). She helps people with early childhood trauma reconnect with themselves and others, fostering resilient and meaningful relationships.
Learn more about Bina’s work at adoptiecoach.frl.
